Great Expectations

This past weekend we spent our entire Saturday attending an 8 hour pre-natal seminar for first time parents. Yes, you read that correctly – 8 hour seminar. The length of the class is a direct representation of how thoroughly dense we are about the process of childbirth. Not wanting to offend us, they named the seminar Great Expectations instead of something more appropriate like, You Have No Idea What Kind of Sh*t Storm is Coming Your Way – which would have been my suggestion.

God bless our instructor, she really did try to be reassuring even as she assaulted us with image upon gory image of birthing scenes. It’s the most natural process in the world. Just remember to keep breathing, it helps with the pain. Trust your body, it knows exactly what to do. Umm, I’m sorry lady but after 25 years of experience with this body, I’m pretty sure that it’s clueless 99.9% of the time. Believe me, I’ve given this body plenty of chances to prove its prowess and self-control – at the gym, at all-you-can-eat buffets, the list goes on and on. Bottom line is that so far I’ve seen nothing from my body that would make me trust in it with such reckless abandon. Also, I see nothing natural about an 8 pound mini-human coming out of the itsy bitsy opening of another human…that sounds like the most unnatural thing in the world to me. And breathing? Really, you’re going to tell me that breathing helps with the pain? Breathing is also something that I’ve had a lifetime of experience with. I breathe every day, all the time in fact and it has never EVER taken away any type of physical pain. Nope, I think you’re just blowing smoke up our backsides missy, but thanks for trying. 

Basically, the take home message for me was this: Ladies, this baby is coming out one way or the other. So put on your big girl panties and quit whining because there’s no turning back now. Gents, you’re pretty much useless after conception and when the big day arrives, you’ll only be allowed to respond to the tirade of abuse from your angel-turned-monster wife in one of two ways: “Yes, Ma’am” or preferably “Should I massage this side now honey?”

PS – The seminar was strongly recommended to us by my doctor. Clearly, we’ve made a great impression on her.

PPS – Next Saturday we’ll be attending a breastfeeding seminar. Surely, is there any part of this whole child rearing thing that doesn’t require the assistance of an expert with a PhD and 20 years of experience?

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15 Comments

  1. misswretched said,

    September 13, 2010 at 9:14 am

    Oh how I love your posts…please turn this blog into a book already. I secretly wish you could blog through your delivery…you either need to pull an Erykah Badu or get hubby to give us the play by play!!

    • September 13, 2010 at 3:41 pm

      Seeing as I have no personal boundaries and my middle name is TMI, the only thing standing between me and a full-on blog session during delivery is hubby. Y’all can thank him for sparing you from some serious trauma. Thx for the luv miss!

  2. Kawambo said,

    September 14, 2010 at 4:47 am

    Oh bless you baby cuz, i’m laughing like crazy in the office.

    Must admit this as a pro who’s pushed out two mini humans, you definitely have the right idea – You Have No Idea What Kind of Sh*t Storm is Coming Your Way but trust me it is the best f’ing s**t storm ever experienced 🙂

    • September 14, 2010 at 10:56 am

      You see! If I were back home with you, I wouldn’t have to attend all these seminars, I would just sit at your feet and bask in your knowledge. Alas, we are in a foreign land with nobody to turn to for advice but these sugar-coating liars. *sigh*

  3. Clare "AfricanQueen" K said,

    September 14, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    luv the blogs! hilarious and educating-for us who are far from yet going through the experience.

  4. mrsmwiti said,

    September 15, 2010 at 6:56 am

    All the best. I heard them say breathing helps, but really its your inner strength that keeps you going. All the best!

  5. Roberta said,

    September 15, 2010 at 11:46 am

    THANK YOU! I’m so sick of these ‘happy as sunshine’ mums to be who act like they’re not the least bit freaked out! I’m so scared of pregnancy and this blog just made me feel like I’m not too weird. That whole bit about having little trust in your body is hilarious. You’ve have eloquently shared my fears. LOL!

    • September 15, 2010 at 4:06 pm

      I promise to ALWAYS tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

  6. farmgal said,

    September 16, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    lol you’re too funny and I like!

  7. Shiroh said,

    September 17, 2010 at 6:47 am

    Breathing does help! Screaming just takes all your energy. Well, breathing and walking around..save the energy for the push, if it does happen.

    • September 17, 2010 at 10:48 am

      If it does happen?! (having a minor panic attack) I’ll assume you meant WHEN it does happen :-). Me, I’m a screamer…this might be a problem.

  8. September 20, 2010 at 8:22 am

    […] 20, 2010 at 8:22 am (Boobies) As I mentioned before, we had yet another seminar to attend this past Saturday. This time, the topic was breastfeeding. […]


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