I make milk. What’s your superpower?

As I mentioned before, we had yet another seminar to attend this past Saturday. This time, the topic was breastfeeding. Thank goodness it was 3 hours long and not 8 hours like the last seminar…I think hearing the words breast and nipple repeated over and over again for 3 hours is quite enough.   

Here is my list of key points gleaned from the seminar:

1. My boobs will get larger.

This alarming news caused me to blackout for a few minutes. I have already told you guys about my current state. And now they are saying that this problem is about to get (for lack of a better word) bigger? At this rate, I might as well call Playboy or more suitably, the Guinness Book of World Records and earn some cash on the side.

 2. My vocabulary is about to change dramatically.

Here are a couple of terms I learned on Saturday: Breast SandwichNoun. Two (or more) fingers with a bit of breast between them. Hand expressing – Verb. You know how they get milk from a cow? Now imagine that the cow was a woman. And she was milking herself. 

3. My boobs have a higher calling

They are NOT pointless features of my anatomy intended for amusement or adornment (or astonishment as key point #1 warns). No. The time has come for them to fulfill their destiny (cue the Rocky music…). In a few short months, they will assume their rightful place as the most spectacular sources of nourishment that the world has ever seen. They will be bastions of nutrition, purveyors of good health and embodiments of maternal perfection. *takes a bow* Thank you, thank you.

PS -> This seminar was called Beautiful Beginnings. Once again, they went for a fluffy sounding seminar title instead of giving us something more factual e.g.  From Now On, Your Boobs Belong to Baby. Get Used to It.

PPS -> Wow. I just realized that I use the word boobs about a hundred times in this post. Some lonely guy in a dark room will be very disappointed with this particular Google search result when he types in boob. Sorry perv, try being more specific next time. 

PPPS -> Seriously though, I pledge not to talk about boobs again for at least 2 weeks. Let’s call it a Boob Ban.

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17 Comments

  1. Val said,

    September 20, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Officially a blog fan..poor pervy person who types boob..only to be accosted with baby talk 🙂

    Seriously taking notes and all..for future mini-Val..

    • September 20, 2010 at 3:18 pm

      I know, right? If I get hate mail, I’ll assume it’s from our dear perv. Thanks for visiting Val, hope you stick around!

  2. Amanda said,

    September 20, 2010 at 3:53 pm

    you know that stuff farmers use on cow udders to prevent chapping? yeah, find out where you can buy it. you’ll need it. from what i hear from friends and cousins with babies. just staying.

    ps: let me know how that goes… adding stuff to my list of things to consider before taking the jump…

    • September 20, 2010 at 4:22 pm

      Lol! First Udder Covers and now Udder Chapstick? I’ll be sure to look into that!

  3. Amanda said,

    September 20, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    pss: i want that t-shirt.

  4. Kellie said,

    September 21, 2010 at 12:40 am

    So I had this discussion with someone who hasn’t had a baby either, and would you please please address this when the baby comes?

    So boobs are objects of pleasure (before baby), do they still serve this function when the mother is breastfeeding? And when daddy plays with them, do they produce milk, and does he spit or swallow.

    The height of political incorrectness I know, but my big sis slapped me when I asked her.

    • September 21, 2010 at 11:36 am

      Don’t worry Kellie, I’ve got you. All such questions will be answered in FULL!

  5. Roberta said,

    September 22, 2010 at 9:58 am

    LOL! You swore to tell the whole truth and wow! S’good to have a ‘guy’ on the inside. BTW any suggestions for what to tell my colleagues when they ask what’s cracking me up?

    • September 22, 2010 at 11:21 pm

      Haahaa, it’s the I.T. guys you need to worry about…they may conclude (from the number of time boob comes up in my posts) that this blog is some weird pregnant fetish porn site.

  6. farmgal said,

    September 23, 2010 at 7:25 am

    Missy, are you wearing those unsightly and huge bras? I have been and am now working on getting my cute ones out of the drawer.
    Aren’t you doing a lot of preparation for the little one! I commend you, I think I only read the material given to me by the mid-wife and totally missed out on classes mainly cos baby came early.
    There’s a cream that will help with sore boobs ebu I find the name..brb ..Lansinoh it’s £10 pounds in UK. if you can find it where you are, it’s the best. I feel your post! When is the due date?

    • September 23, 2010 at 11:48 am

      Lansinoh, thanks, got to get that. I’m due in early November, which is (gasp!) a few short weeks away! I’ve been making due with sports bras so far, which, no matter how gigantic (and gigantic they ARE!), still look quite normal 🙂

  7. Clare "AfricanQueen" K said,

    September 23, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    Absolutely love the title!

    • September 23, 2010 at 10:47 pm

      I know right? The tee in the picture was advertised during the breastfeeding class. I sooo want one, as all women should, breastfeeding or not!

  8. Kawambo said,

    September 28, 2010 at 2:05 am

    LOL…. bless 🙂 Not to worry though, in good time (about 1 year give or take many more months) the boobies will be back to their rightful size and their rightful owner…

    • September 29, 2010 at 12:28 am

      1 year!! (Gasp!) *taking deep breaths* I can do this…I can do this…

  9. October 7, 2010 at 8:29 am

    […] -> I warned you that this might […]

  10. Jay said,

    November 5, 2010 at 1:33 am

    PS/ They get way WAY WAY bigger!!! I know. Shocking.


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