A Birth Story

 Wednesday, November 3rd 2010

11 a.m. – I wake up (Don’t judge me. In my defense I had been up for a full hour in the wee hours of the morning with false labor pains). I wake up feeling fine but I have a stinking suspicion that my water may have broken or at least leaked at some point during the night.

12 p.m. – Call my doctor. She asks me what time in the morning I think my water broke. I explain that I just woke up an hour ago and couldn’t be sure but probably sometime between 5 a.m. (when I was up with the false labor) and 11 a.m. when I woke up.  “So, you just woke up?” *awkward silence while I consider lying about what time I woke up but then decide that she’s my doctor and not my father so, whatever* YES. She tells me that she believes me, my water has probably broken but since I’m not having any contractions I should hang out at home. If after 12 hours, I haven’t gone into full labor, I am to report straight to the hospital.

3 p.m. – My efforts to initiate contractions are beginning to get desperate – I’ve done it all: walked around the neighborhood, bounced on a bouncy ball, eaten a WHOLE pineapple, everything! In a last ditch effort to coax my body into labor, I decide that I’m going to dance the afternoon away. I turn on the TV and begin to get down with my pregnant self to some dancehall music. WOOSH! Right in the middle of a spectacular getting-low move (you should have seen me people, I was shaking di dam ting!) the rest of my water broke. No question about it this time. This was really happening. I braced myself for the contractions that were sure to be starting any moment.

9 p.m. – No contractions! Not a single one! My body had just refused to cooperate. Induction was looking like my only option. Crap! I’d been told that induction increases the chances of a c-section. Crappity crap crap. My body officially sucked. Oh well. I decided to groom myself and pack my bags for the hospital. What kind of grooming, you ask? Well. For starters, I shaved my legs so that the doctor wouldn’t be distracted by bear-like legs during delivery. Hubs and I packed our bags and hailed a cab.

11 p.m. – I check into the hospital. They confirm that yes, my water had definitely broken and the nurse giddily informs us that we’re gonna have a baby. No sh*t lady. They start me on pitocin (labor induction drug) to bring on those elusive contractions. I braced myself for the contractions that were sure to be starting any moment.

Thursday, November 4th 2010

8:15 a.m. – No contractions! Ok, let me re-phrase that: no intense contractions! I had mild cramping sensations but that was all. On a scale of 1 to 10, the pain was at a 2. Crappity crap crap! They called my doctor in to discuss my situation and she decided to break the rest of my water (apparently, I had a never-ending supply of water) to see if that would move things along. Having lost all confidence in my body to labor properly, I braced myself for more of nothing.

8:16 a.m. – HOLY CRAP MOTHER OF ALL CONTRACTIONS! The horrrrrorrrrrrr! On a scale of 1 to 10, the pain was most definitely at 100. It felt like I was having the worst cramps in the history of cramps but at the same time, someone was torching my lower back and uterus from the inside. Aching, burning, piercing PAIN. It was so shocking that I couldn’t even scream or cry. All I could do was make low guttural sounds reminiscent of a scene from The Exorcist.  After a grand total of 15 minutes breathing, walking and kumbayaaing through non-stop contractions I demanded to see the anesthesiologist. STAT!

8:50 a.m. – It took 20 minutes of sitting still through some excruciating contractions but they finally administered the epidural. WOW. I think the epidural was laced with weed because I felt AMAAAAAZING. I was so happy (or high) that I couldn’t stop smiling. Where had this drug been all my life? I told the anesthesiologists that I loved them. They didn’t seem surprised.

2:00 p.m. – The epidural was still making my life very easy…it had taken the pain down to about a 3 so although I could feel the contractions, they felt like mild cramps. I was so relaxed that the doctor had to come and check on me if only to remind me that I still had a baby to birth.  To our surprise, when she checked, she found that I was ready to push. (Imagine that, my body had finally decided to get with the program!). She went to call the nurse and together they began to prep the room for delivery. We really were gonna have a baby after all!

2:32 p.m. – After less than 20 minutes of nearly effortless pushing, my daughter slipped out of me and into the world.

What followed next were several hours of indescribable joy…I laughed and cried hysterically. Hands down, those were the best moments of my life.

Too bad the sheer ecstasy of those first couple of days did nothing to prepare us for the sheer dreadfulness characteristic of life with a newborn.

 To be continued. (Cue dramatic music)

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38 Comments

  1. Wamaganjo said,

    November 22, 2010 at 3:57 am

    Numero uno! Was so looking forward to your birth story – hehehe! Am assuming that the little bundle was worth all the kumbayaing in the world? Enjoy motherhood and God bless all of you.

    • November 22, 2010 at 8:11 am

      Totally worth it. And I’d gladly do it all over again for her. Well. Maybe not gladly.

  2. Kawambo said,

    November 22, 2010 at 4:02 am

    you are completely mad… but we so love you. can’t wait to meet that little angel

  3. Nuna said,

    November 22, 2010 at 4:04 am

    *shaking in boots* I cannot be pregnant. Ever.

    But, congratulations! You did good and she. is. GORGEOUS.

    Part 2, I await not-so-patiently…

  4. November 22, 2010 at 4:04 am

    LMAO!!! I still can’t stop laughing – you shaved your legs

    Congrats on your bundle of joy

    • November 22, 2010 at 8:17 am

      Vanity is underrated. I’m sure the effort was much appreciated by the doctor.

  5. Karimi said,

    November 22, 2010 at 4:11 am

    That was scary and funny at the same time. I have more hope of getting mine out when the time comes.
    Congratulations, girlie, I cannot wait for the next post!

    • November 22, 2010 at 8:21 am

      You’ll do it just fine I’m sure. The next post is in the works! And by that I mean it’s all in my head. Typing while breastfeeding is harder than I imagined.

  6. bikozulu said,

    November 22, 2010 at 4:44 am

    Was ‘Hubs’ inside the theater and did he pass out from fright? Congratulations!

    • November 22, 2010 at 8:24 am

      He was right there beside me holding one leg up while I pushed. Such a trooper, no? I married up.

  7. gloria mbire said,

    November 22, 2010 at 5:33 am

    Aaaaahhhhh if shiko did it so can I ? now u can officially, proudly brag to those other church mum’s that u gave birth naturally!Yey!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • November 23, 2010 at 5:28 am

      If I managed, anyone can! The naturalistas do it sans pain meds so I’m afraid I have nothing to brag to them about. Except for the fact that I enjoyed my birth experience!

  8. Kellie said,

    November 22, 2010 at 5:48 am

    Reading this, one would think it took the whole 2 minutes it took to read the post, only to look at the timings and that gets me thinking, C Section all the way.

    What did you mean by effortlessly?

    It didn’t hurt when she slipped out?

    Pushing for 20 minutes!! My tummy hurts.

    Congrats girl! You’re a heroine.

    • November 23, 2010 at 5:32 am

      The pushing was the best and easiest part! The contractions squeezed her out, the pain meds numbed the pain…all I had to do was assume the position and assist!

  9. Val said,

    November 22, 2010 at 5:56 am

    I was so waiting for this post…OMG..I was laughing and in pain at the same time…love it!

    • November 23, 2010 at 5:36 am

      Thanks Val, it’s harder for me to blog with a demanding newborn but will strive for weekly posts.

  10. Kirima said,

    November 22, 2010 at 6:32 am

    I can sympathise relate with the long wait and delayed labour our daughter came out 3 weeks after the due date, I had almost given up.
    This reinforces my belief that if men were to give birth the human race would be extinct!

    • November 25, 2010 at 12:50 am

      3 weeks late! Holy crap! I would have given myself a c-section at that point.

  11. Sarah said,

    November 22, 2010 at 7:06 am

    Hilarious! Anxiously awaiting for Part II!

  12. Buggz79 said,

    November 22, 2010 at 7:51 am

    As a dude who has been a partner through 12+ hours of un medicated labour , I totally envy your mista’s experience. And baby girl was big. Seriously big…i’m talking breech birth here…

    *going to my happy place*

    • November 25, 2010 at 12:53 am

      Holy crap! That’s intense! Props to the women who can do it because I sure as heck can’t!

  13. Clare "AfricanQueen" K said,

    November 22, 2010 at 8:12 am

    Didn’t know it was possible to finish a whole pinnaple by yourself. Note to self: *MUST try this at home!* And another note to self: *The secret is in dancehall music.*

    Congrats on this great accomplishment.

    • November 25, 2010 at 12:55 am

      Believe it! Dancehall is the solution to most of life’s problems.

  14. Waboi said,

    November 22, 2010 at 10:42 am

    ‘shaking di dam ting’ …? DEAD> DECOMPOSED
    YAY for no C-section and no complications…….expect a call on the tons of questions I have on labor horrorvile. Waaaayyyyy proud!

  15. mrsmwiti said,

    November 22, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Bear legs…LOL

  16. Enelesi said,

    November 23, 2010 at 1:23 am

    Was so looking forward to this. What a great birth story. Thanks for the insight. Gives me something to think about as time draws near. Sounds like the epidural did a world of good as far as pain relief is concerned. One common theme i notice in all the birth stories i read is that mothers always say the baby just slipped out after their harrowing experiences. Well congrats you have graduated to being a mom!!

    • November 25, 2010 at 12:58 am

      Good luck to you! Come back and tell us about your experience please!

  17. Mgangagenge said,

    November 23, 2010 at 4:50 am

    Ehehehe! Uliampia daagitari ati ‘I laf you’ wakakuankalia na sura ya kasi! Hehehe!

    Hiyo tu! XD

  18. Nyanjogu said,

    November 24, 2010 at 11:38 am

    Haha! you are hilarious! Thanks a bunch for the inside scoop but I won’t lie… you do nothing to make me any less afraid of childbirth! CONGRATULATIONS and God bless you and your family 🙂

  19. Felicia said,

    November 26, 2010 at 3:28 am

    i am still in stiches laughing. Thanx for making my day. My experience ws 22 hours of non-medicated labour yet you made it look like comic relief. Thanx and please remember to sleep when baby sleeps

  20. wambui said,

    November 27, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    you are a tough little girl, well done!!! cant wait for part 2 of the blog.

  21. Roberta said,

    November 29, 2010 at 2:33 am

    You make it laughable! This information is gold. Note to self, book an epidural as soon as you discover you are pregnant. BTW you are officiallly one of my super heroes now. I waited with bated breath for this blog, but i dint think you’d be up to it so soon. Thanx

  22. Bahati said,

    December 1, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Superwoman!! That’s all I can say! I bow down. Oh and I need your mad scientist hubby to invent a way to fast foward labor…. and he has 2 months! Eek!


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