The Little Housewife That Could

Before I get on with this post, let me first acknowledge that my use of the word ‘little’ in the title above is extremely laughable because there is NOTHING little about me right now. 7 months pregnant or not, I feel (and most definitely look) like a beached whale. My belly seriously grows at the astonishing rate of about 20 inches per day. And every morning I look at it like, SERIOUSLY? My sweet little belly button which used to curve inwards ever so delicately is now just a flat, black rounded spot in the middle of my massive midsection. But I’m grateful for this belly because it has been mercifully shielding my ankles from view. All this time, I thought my ankles were doing fine until my beloved husband felt the need to point out to me a few nights ago that they are looking mighty swollen. So, with some difficulty, I lift my legs so I can see said ankles and yup, I officially have CANKLES people. Just great. Thanks boo. This is exactly the type of information I need to hear right now. AND THEN my boobs are just another story on their own. They need their own zip code. They have ballooned to obscene proportions and continue to do so with no end in sight. Let’s just say that if a boat I was on capsized, everyone could climb aboard my massive frame and I would make for a great life raft, complete with two outstanding floatation devices. 

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, on to the post…

It’s been a full two weeks since my lifestyle change and I can honestly say that I’m a much more productive (and happy) human being. I’m not a domestic goddess yet by any means but I’m not at the same level of crappiness that I once was. This is progress, people! The thing is, I’ve discovered that with housekeeping (as with most other things in life) moderation is key to success. Less is more, if you will. There is absolutely no reason to clean your house all day –nobody’s house needs to be that clean. An hour of cleaning on Monday, spot cleaning throughout the week and then a touch up on Friday and you’re good to go! With laundry, I’m probably the last person on planet earth to discover that waiting until you have a 6-foot-high heap of dirty clothes is not a great idea. As I belatedly learned, laundry becomes much less depressing when you have a small, manageable load. Who would have thunk?!Progress, I tell you! I’m still waiting for my craft supplies to fill up my afternoons but like that famous Little Engine That Could, I think I CAN do this housewife thing!

All this got me thinking that it’s funny how you can pray and hope for one thing (a job in my case) but get something totally different (housewifery), and STILL be happy (after a little attitude adjustment). So, maybe, the answer you get isn’t just plain “No” but instead it’s “No, BUT what I do give you will be more awesome if you could only just see it that way.”
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The Desperate Housewife

Desperately BORED, that is. Now I completely understand why housewives get into all types of mischief,  like the ever popular sordid love affair with the surprisingly-muscular-for-his-age pool boy. It’s the afternoon boredom! My mornings are great – they bustle with energy and productivity; with my new routine I wake up early (let’s just agree that 8:30 a.m. qualifies as early) and clean or launder, then maybe go to the gym, check my emails/Facebook, read a book and before I know it, it’s time for lunch!

But eventually and rather unfortunately, lunchtime has to end at one point or another. I then spend the afternoon in absolute tedium, traipsing interchangeably from the reading chair to the computer to the fridge. My unholy trinity. Two weeks ago I would have been content to watch TV the entire afternoon without the slightest bit of shame. But now I’ve gone and convinced myself that TV is the root of all evil (see footnote) and my nemesis in the journey towards better housewifery. So where does that leave me? Bored out of my freaking mind and ready to fling myself off the balcony at any given moment. Some of you working folk might be seething with anger as you read this, wondering how I have the audacity to complain about my afternoons while you’re stuck doing mind-numbing, life-draining excel spreadsheets in a dreary cubicle.  But before you start foaming at the mouth, please remember that you get paid for the boring crap you do. Me? Not so much.

I could blog more often but it would probably be best to spare you from too many mindless rants within the same week. The pool attendants at our communal pool are all middle aged and female which takes one possibility off the table (husband, you can breathe a sigh of relief). So, as much as it pains me to say this because it makes me feel at least 100 years old, I may need to explore the age old housewife tradition of  crafting. The world may not need any more hand-made soap, candles or jewelry but world be dammed, I need something to do!

It’s decided then. Crafting will henceforth be adopted as a suitable afternoon pastime. I intend to keep you abreast of any developments (or lack thereof) in my newly found pursuit so stay tuned for updates on this topic. 

*Footnote: This only applies to the hours before 6 p.m. I happily and unabashedly follow pretty much every primetime show that exists.    

PS – My mind, body & soul makeover is going well if you were by any chance wondering. I have a healthy stash of books waiting to be read and have already ordered my meditation CD.  As fate would have it though, my cheap ass forgot that I purchased a gym membership that only allows me to use the gym 3 days/week so unfortunately my 5 day plan had to trim down to 3. Okay, who am I kidding, the realization that I couldn’t go to the gym more than 3 times/week even though I wanted to was the best thing that happened to me all week, possibly even all month.

Oh Crap. I’m a housewife.

Couch PotatoAnd I’m not just a housewife, I’m a CRAPPY housewife. I despise cleaning, I love sleeping in and I would rather watch a Real Housewives marathon than do anything constructive around my home. Let me give you a quick run down on how I got to this point in life: I graduated with an MBA just as the economy tanked, spent the next 6 months looking for a job, finally got one, only to get the boot 6 months later when the company went bankrupt. As if my luck wasn’t already questionable at this point, my husband and I found out that I was pregnant right around the time when the company announced that we were all about to get sacked. I mean, I’ve always loved kids and have always dreamed of being a mom but did it have to happen NOW? So, anyway, I tried unsuccessfully to look for a job after the lay off but as days turned into weeks and weeks into months, it became apparent that I wasn’t going to find work before the baby arrived. So here I am, 6 months pregnant and staring down a path that I never prepared myself for – that of domesticity.  

Back to why I’m a crappy housewife. Here is a typical weekday in the life of yours truly:

10:30 a.m. – Wake up. (I have nothing important to do for the rest of the day so what’s the rush?)

10:30 – 11:00 a.m. – Rush through my daily hygiene routine and make the bed. (I am extremely proud of myself for religiously making the bed every morning. This is undoubtedly the only housework that I do without complaint.)

11:00 to 11:05 a.m. – Tidy up the house. (And yes, this gets no more than 5 minutes of my time. In my defense however, we live in a small apartment and it’s not my fault that we are tidy people.)

11:05 – 2:00 p.m. – Lazily eat breakfast while watching t.v. and surfing the internet. (I have no excuse for this one. It is simply what I do.)

2:00 – 4:00 p.m. – See above but replace ‘breakfast’ with ‘lunch’.

4:00 – 5:00 p.m. – Tea time. (This is the highlight of my entire day because not only does it give me a chance to indulge in a rich PB & J sandwich but it also marks the end of the ‘work’ day which means that A) I made it through another day and B) my husband will be coming home soon.

5:00 p.m. – Start prepping and cooking dinner. (I may not do much cleaning but I DO cook!)

I’m well aware that my current weekday routine is very lazy and nowhere near what a good housewife (whatever that means) should be doing but here is the thing: I’m 6 months pregnant (!) and in no mood to crawl around the house scrubbing floors. Ok, I know that I could probably do a lot more than I’m currently doing but everyone says that I’ll be SO busy once the baby comes – shouldn’t I be allowed to live out these final 3 months in luxury? No? Well then here is a compromise: Without going overboard (Ha!), I will begin to make changes to my routine with the goal of living a more productive and healthy domestic life.

Starting Monday, August 9th 2010 (you didn’t really think that I would start during the weekend did you?), I hereby pledge to start my journey towards Good Housewife status.