I bet you thought I didn’t. But I did. So, there.

Remember when I said that my afternoons were utterly boring and that I was going to take up some sort of crafting activity but I didn’t know what I was going to do because I’m not any good at that sort of stuff but I was going to give it a shot anyway because doggonit I needed something to do? Well. After visiting a few crafting websites and seeing how much crafting supplies actually cost (!) I settled on knitting because A. I already own knitting needles and B. It dawned on me that I had no interest in making soap or candles because shower gel and electricity have served me just fine thus far, thank you. With that in mind, I settled on knitting something for the baby. Truth be told, I was heavily motivated by the possibility that another mom may admire my knitted wear and spread the word to all the other moms on the block that they should all be jealous and aspire to be the kind of mom that I am i.e. the kind that knits, because everybody knows that knitting moms are awesome. I can just imagine myself casually pointing to my warmly dressed child saying Oh that? No, *insert fake laugh here* it’s not designer. I just made it one afternoon when I was bored. Bam! Awesomest. Mom. Ever.      

The beautiful thing about knitting is that no matter how much of a novice you are, you can still make something. Take me for example, I’m completely useless when it comes to knitting, having only ever knitted monochromatic scarves, but after watching a few You Tube videos I made two baby hats with matching leg warmers! See proof below.

Granted, all measurements were totally guessed, one of the hats turned out bigger than expected and she might not be able to wear any of the leg warmers until her 4th birthday — but at least that means that her birthday presents for that year are sorted. Thinking ahead = More mom awesomeness.

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Meditation – Take 1

So on Friday I decided to try out my meditation CD for the very first time. Thanks to Amazon’s spiteful policy of giving a month long window for possible delivery, I had spent a week stalking the mailman. Needless to say, we were both relieved when it finally arrived on Thursday. The CD came with a tiny book which I was able to read in 45 minutes flat WHILE watching an episode of Cops (for those of you who are curious this particular episode was titled ‘Bad Girls 3’ which, among other things, featured one particular bad girl who had the brilliant idea to hide UNDER HER CAR from the cop who had just pulled her over – yes, I know – >reality TV heaven). 

Anyway, I busted out the CD first thing on Friday morning. Ok, the thing about my meditative experience is that I have no idea if I was doing it right because I have no idea what a successful meditation is supposed to feel like. For one thing, I kept on being distracted by the weird noises that my toilet was making – I think my toilet is possessed; one day last week it just started making these strange sloshing noises at random intervals throughout the day. Then I scared myself by wondering if there was something swimming INSIDE my toilet. And who can meditate with a toilet that’s possessed by a swimming ghost?! But the pleasant sounding lady on the CD kept on reassuring me that it was ok for thoughts to come into my head and telling me to just imagine them floating away into the sunset. Easy for you to say lady, you’re not the one trapped in an apartment with a malevolent toilet ghost.

For the pleasant lady’s sake, I tried my best to imagine my toilet and its ghoulish occupant floating away and focused on what she was telling me about the love, light and general awesomeness that was inside of me. For a few moments I actually felt like I was totally calm and thought-less, but those moments were cut short by my unborn child who has recently decided to test the ability of my ribs to withstand her vigorous kicks. (This kid is SO grounded when she comes out…) 

All in all though, I managed to complete the entire 15 minute session. I can’t say that I felt radically transformed afterwards but I will say that I felt a wee bit calmer.  Pleasant Lady says that meditation is a ‘discipline’ that takes time and practice. I believe her and so I will commit to meditating 5 days a week.

The Little Housewife That Could

Before I get on with this post, let me first acknowledge that my use of the word ‘little’ in the title above is extremely laughable because there is NOTHING little about me right now. 7 months pregnant or not, I feel (and most definitely look) like a beached whale. My belly seriously grows at the astonishing rate of about 20 inches per day. And every morning I look at it like, SERIOUSLY? My sweet little belly button which used to curve inwards ever so delicately is now just a flat, black rounded spot in the middle of my massive midsection. But I’m grateful for this belly because it has been mercifully shielding my ankles from view. All this time, I thought my ankles were doing fine until my beloved husband felt the need to point out to me a few nights ago that they are looking mighty swollen. So, with some difficulty, I lift my legs so I can see said ankles and yup, I officially have CANKLES people. Just great. Thanks boo. This is exactly the type of information I need to hear right now. AND THEN my boobs are just another story on their own. They need their own zip code. They have ballooned to obscene proportions and continue to do so with no end in sight. Let’s just say that if a boat I was on capsized, everyone could climb aboard my massive frame and I would make for a great life raft, complete with two outstanding floatation devices. 

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, on to the post…

It’s been a full two weeks since my lifestyle change and I can honestly say that I’m a much more productive (and happy) human being. I’m not a domestic goddess yet by any means but I’m not at the same level of crappiness that I once was. This is progress, people! The thing is, I’ve discovered that with housekeeping (as with most other things in life) moderation is key to success. Less is more, if you will. There is absolutely no reason to clean your house all day –nobody’s house needs to be that clean. An hour of cleaning on Monday, spot cleaning throughout the week and then a touch up on Friday and you’re good to go! With laundry, I’m probably the last person on planet earth to discover that waiting until you have a 6-foot-high heap of dirty clothes is not a great idea. As I belatedly learned, laundry becomes much less depressing when you have a small, manageable load. Who would have thunk?!Progress, I tell you! I’m still waiting for my craft supplies to fill up my afternoons but like that famous Little Engine That Could, I think I CAN do this housewife thing!

All this got me thinking that it’s funny how you can pray and hope for one thing (a job in my case) but get something totally different (housewifery), and STILL be happy (after a little attitude adjustment). So, maybe, the answer you get isn’t just plain “No” but instead it’s “No, BUT what I do give you will be more awesome if you could only just see it that way.”
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The Desperate Housewife

Desperately BORED, that is. Now I completely understand why housewives get into all types of mischief,  like the ever popular sordid love affair with the surprisingly-muscular-for-his-age pool boy. It’s the afternoon boredom! My mornings are great – they bustle with energy and productivity; with my new routine I wake up early (let’s just agree that 8:30 a.m. qualifies as early) and clean or launder, then maybe go to the gym, check my emails/Facebook, read a book and before I know it, it’s time for lunch!

But eventually and rather unfortunately, lunchtime has to end at one point or another. I then spend the afternoon in absolute tedium, traipsing interchangeably from the reading chair to the computer to the fridge. My unholy trinity. Two weeks ago I would have been content to watch TV the entire afternoon without the slightest bit of shame. But now I’ve gone and convinced myself that TV is the root of all evil (see footnote) and my nemesis in the journey towards better housewifery. So where does that leave me? Bored out of my freaking mind and ready to fling myself off the balcony at any given moment. Some of you working folk might be seething with anger as you read this, wondering how I have the audacity to complain about my afternoons while you’re stuck doing mind-numbing, life-draining excel spreadsheets in a dreary cubicle.  But before you start foaming at the mouth, please remember that you get paid for the boring crap you do. Me? Not so much.

I could blog more often but it would probably be best to spare you from too many mindless rants within the same week. The pool attendants at our communal pool are all middle aged and female which takes one possibility off the table (husband, you can breathe a sigh of relief). So, as much as it pains me to say this because it makes me feel at least 100 years old, I may need to explore the age old housewife tradition of  crafting. The world may not need any more hand-made soap, candles or jewelry but world be dammed, I need something to do!

It’s decided then. Crafting will henceforth be adopted as a suitable afternoon pastime. I intend to keep you abreast of any developments (or lack thereof) in my newly found pursuit so stay tuned for updates on this topic. 

*Footnote: This only applies to the hours before 6 p.m. I happily and unabashedly follow pretty much every primetime show that exists.    

PS – My mind, body & soul makeover is going well if you were by any chance wondering. I have a healthy stash of books waiting to be read and have already ordered my meditation CD.  As fate would have it though, my cheap ass forgot that I purchased a gym membership that only allows me to use the gym 3 days/week so unfortunately my 5 day plan had to trim down to 3. Okay, who am I kidding, the realization that I couldn’t go to the gym more than 3 times/week even though I wanted to was the best thing that happened to me all week, possibly even all month.

Eat, Pray, Love, (Clean)

In my previous post I declared that from today henceforth I would begin to live out my joblessness a.k.a housewife life in a healthier and happier manner. As contradictory as it may seem, the couch potato life that I have been living is not only exhausting but it’s not that enjoyable either. It’s one thing to lounge on the couch after several days of hard work but it’s quite another to be confined to a couch (for lack of anything better to do) day after day and week after week.

So today marked the dawn of a new era! Up I got at the crack of dawn (well, around 8 ish) to begin my week. I busied myself with putting away the laundry (never mind that these were clothes that had been sitting out for two weeks and that it was my husband who had laundered AND folded said laundry. I married a saint. It makes me feel even more useless). And I also bestowed upon the apartment a thorough cleaning. So thorough was this cleaning that I even dusted the furniture before I wiped it down. DUSTED. I associate dusting very much with housewives because they always seem to be doing it on TV. The cloth that I was using, however, was not very effective and I ended up knocking stuff all over. I have resolved to cease all further dusting until I get proper equipment in the form of a duster (or is it called a dust mop? Surely, dust mop just seems contradictory…either it dusts or it mops. We just call a mop, a mop, not a wipe mop. Until I investigate further into this matter I shall call it a duster). Anyway, I cleaned vigorously for a full 45 minutes (feel free to applaud at this point) and was literally panting by the time I was done. The apartment was gleaming but I was tired to the point of being rendered immobile – I collapsed on the couch where I remained for the next hour.

As I lay on the couch in a near comatose state, I began to think about what other specific changes I would make to my life to make it happier and healthier (Yes, yes, I will continue to add more household tasks and domestic projects to my daily routine but I mean BESIDES that. After all, I may be a housewife but I am more than just a sum of my chores!). Then I started thinking that this question would be more easily answered if I broke it up into how I could change different dimensions of my life, as in, mind, body and soul. This is what I came up with:

Mind – I will reignite my voracious appetite for reading. Why not take advantage of this free time to get back to something that I love doing? In particular, I want to explore African literature so it’s a good thing that I found this website to point me in the right direction.  I have also found that writing this blog has given me a creative outlet that should assist in the effort to prevent the atrophying of my brain cells (thanks to Real Housewives marathons, though, I fear that much of the damage may already have been done).

Body – My love-hate affair with the gym will have to be rekindled. I really HATE going to the gym. I mean REALLY. People who love working out annoy me to no end and should all be shot at sunrise. Anyway, I will strive to work out 5 days a week. And that’s enough on the subject. As, I smugly mentioned before, I can (at least) cook a decent, well-balanced meal, and will continue to do so until further notice.

Soul – Aaah, what will I do for my SOUL? I must admit that I am quite shy about giving you my thoughts on this one but here goes: At the risk of sounding totally New Age, I want to learn how to meditate (those of you who know me personally can stop laughing now. Seriously. And no, this is not just because I read Eat, Pray, Love). Haven’t you ever just felt the need to be still? To stop the constant, random chitter-chatter in your brain and just be silent? Well, I have. I’ll do some research into some meditation for dummies CDs and let you know how it goes.

(Back to my day…)

After an hour spent incapacitated on the couch I gathered myself with renewed determination and headed straight for the gym. How proud I was of myself as I walked on that treadmill (my pace was far from brisk but give me a break, I’m pregnant!). Afterwards, I ran some errands (wow, doesn’t that just sound so domestic?) before returning home to have lunch, read my Agatha Christie mystery (the library does not have the book I ordered yet) and blog.

But as I sit here at 3:30 in the afternoon, I am so damn sleepy. Perhaps it’s the early morning I had or maybe all of my hard labor. Either way, I’m pooped. Do housewives nap? Not even the ones in Spain? Well, this one does and will.

PS – Seriously people, what is the name of that dusting thing? Is it really called a dust mop?

PPS – If you have any book suggestions, please hurl them my way.